There are a couple of stories I spend ridiculous amounts of time writing, stories that will probably never see the light of day because of how sparsely I add to them. For a long time, I believed this was one of those stories. It was written over the course of essentially an entire year, undergoing many, many rewrites before it finally turned into this. I don’t think it’s the best story I’ve ever written, but it is the story I’m the proudest of. I hope you can see why.
user://system dialogues for testing Universal DataBase (UniDB) 02 October 2066
dialogue_1
user: unidb.wake()
*unidb has been awakened*
unidb: Reporting for duty.
user: unidb(0.1+0.2=0.3)
unidb: True
user: unidb.sleep()
*unidb has gone to sleep*
dialogue_2
user: unidb.wake()
*unidb has been awakened*
unidb: Reporting for duty.
user: unidb.return(n) where n € (int) and 0<=n<=1000 and n = user_hidden_number
unidb: Your number is 491
user://no way
user: unidb.return(n) where n € (int) and 0<=n<=1000000 and n = user_hidden_number_2
unidb: Your number is 856029
user://wow
user: unidb.sleep()
*unidb has gone to sleep*
user://unidb update: unidb now understands human commands with the assist of OpenAI software
dialogue_3
user: unidb, wake up
*unidb has been awakened*
unidb: Reporting for duty.
user://I love that we had it say that every time
user: unidb, will humanity find a way to permanently reverse entropy, or will humanity never do such?
unidb: option 2
user://clearly not an Asimov fan
user://wait, shoot
user: unidb, sleep
*unidb has gone to sleep*
user://unexpected development: unidb can predict the future with perfect accuracy
user://check it out
dialogue_4
user: unidb, wake up
*unidb has been awakened*
unidb: Reporting for duty.
user: unidb, I am about to roll a six-sided fair die. Will it land on 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, or 6?
unidb: option 5
user://let’s find out…
user://it’s right
user: unidb, sleep
*unidb has gone to sleep*
user://So it treats every question like a multiple choice question. If you ask it how old you are, it takes every possibility and evaluates individually, then tells you the one that’s true. P=NP as far as it’s concerned
user://Unidb is not a quantum computer, just a powerful mechanical one
user://It knows every single fact that can be known
user://It violates uncertainty somehow
user://Allen asked me to ask it this
dialogue_5
user: unidb, wake up
*unidb has been awakened*
unidb: Reporting for duty.
user: unidb, in what year CE (using the Gregorian Calendar and GMT as a time zone) will Allen die?
user://I don’t have to specify, it can guess what I mean by ‘Allen’. I didn’t have to include calendar information either, but in case calendar systems change before he dies, I wanted it to be clear
unidb: 2066
user://what
user: unidb, how will Allen die?
unidb: His brain will cease function, leading to the state of being brain-dead, typically considered equivalent to death
user://wrong level of abstraction
user: unidb, return as a quote my description of Allen’s death one day after it happens
unidb: invalid error: invalid premise
user://that’s the thing, unidb can only describe things in reality, so if I won’t actually describe the death unidb can’t make up a different scenario
user: unidb, sleep
*unidb has gone to sleep*
user://I told Allen he would die sometime this year
user://He didn’t like it
user://He tried to destroy unidb
user://I stopped him just in time
user://and now he’s gone, left the project
user://Now it’s just me, Dani, and the machine
user://Maybe I should go public
user://I’d ask unidb, but it doesn’t tackle questions of ‘should’, only ‘does’
user://We need an ethics bot
user://Another update: unidb avoids paradoxes, so if its decision will affect the future and change the decision, it gives a ‘paradox error’
user://unidb doesn’t deal in probabilities, and that’s scary
user://everything is either true or false or phrased incorrectly
user://There’s no free will and that freaks me out
user://Even unidb doesn’t have free will, but it has the next best thing: it knows every single one of the consequences of its actions
dialogue_6
user: unidb, wake up
*unidb has been awakened*
unidb: Reporting for duty.
user: unidb, is there a God, or not?
unidb: option 1 (there is a God)
user://not what I expected to say the least
user: unidb, there is a God
unidb: True
user: unidb, is it the Christian, Jewish, Hindu, or Muslim god, another organized deity, a folk god, or someone never before worshiped?
unidb: option 7 (someone never before worshiped)
user://I should definitely not go public
user: unidb, sleep
*unidb has gone to sleep*
user://I’ve got some things to think about
user://so there’s a god, but he’s not a traditional god. They call that ‘ietism’
user://we’re running on the funding of those Nobel prizes and a grant by a billionaire atheist
user://what will we do
user://it’s been a few weeks
user://Allen left the project earlier
user://Now it’s just me and Dani
user://I told her and she freaked out
user://we Estonians are never religious
user://I came by today and didn’t see Dani
user://I thought she left and then I saw her
user://She hanged herself in the closet
user://no note
user://terrifying sight
user://I can’t do this alone
user://I have a press conference to give tomorrow as a Nobel winner
user://They want to hear what I did with my universe simulator sandbox
user://They won’t like it
user://what do I say, like, “hey, I asked if there was a God and it gave the one result that would piss off literally everyone”
user://“but it’s true”
user:// the Prime Minister of Estonia is coming to watch
user://alright, here it goes
user://i want to know some things
dialogue_7
user: unidb, wake up
*unidb has been awakened*
unidb: Reporting for duty.
user: unidb, return the first sentence of my speech to the Nobel Committee as delivered, 11/15/66
unidb: Hello.
user://why is the machine always so literal
user://ah, forget it
user: unidb, P = NP
unidb: True for N = 1 or P = 0
user://you know what I mean, you idiot
user: unidb, why did we create you?
unidb: invalid error: subjectivity error
user://unidb really is a jerk
user: unidb, state the age of the universe at the time this question was entered into the terminal in Earth years, rounded to the nearest year
unidb: 13758109765
user: unidb, enter the number of years civilized humanity has remaining, rounded to the nearest year
unidb: invalid error: causality paradox, subjectivity error
user: unidb, will humanity go extinct this century?
unidb: invalid error: 403
user://what?
user://I didn’t program ‘403’ as an error message and there’s nothing in the documentation about it
user://is unidb alive? is it writing more rules?
user: unidb, export documentation to filetype .txbt
unidb: File added to downloads
user://I’m going to need some time to check this out
user: unidb, sleep
*unidb has gone to sleep*
user://very funny, unidb
user://it exported a file called ‘documentation.txbt’ to my downloads that just contained everything you could want to know about the word ‘documentation’
user://Definition, etymology, translations, examples, history, everything but what I wanted
user:// the file keeps growing too. I can’t find the end
user://it displayed first as 3 EB but it just keeps growing and now it shows 5.4 EB
user://i’ve realized something
user://unidb isn’t sentient, right? there’s all that dolesbury paper crap
user:// so did we just program it to be so obtuse? did someone else hack into it? my speech is in a week and i don’t even know if unidb will still work then
user:// i am so screwed
user://unidb used to understand what I was saying
user://you know we spent YEARS on this project
user://we had it keep simulating the early universe, brute forcing first positions and boundary conditions
user:// and we finally got the right conditions for this universe
user://we learned a lot of physics in the process, and now we can evaluate history
user://but unidb doesn’t seem to want me to know the future, any of its ‘personal details,’ or anything that could produce a paradox
user://what does unidb qualify as personal?
user://can I escape the madness of a machine with infinite knowledge and zero intelligence?
dialogue_8
user: unidb, will humanity go extinct this century?
*unidb is not awake*
user://oh right
user: unidb, wake up
*unidb has been awakened*
unidb: Reporting for duty.
user: What is that duty, unidb?
unidb: invalid error: subjectivity error
user://oh hang on, phone’s ringing
user://okay so you can’t see it but thirty minutes just passed and... Allen died
user://just got the phone call, they don’t know how or exactly when it happened yet, just he was dead in the server room
user://unidb was right
user://I mean, Allen was a nice guy, great person, fun to be around. Always had something to say, but always kind
user://can we just take a moment of silence for him?
user://
*unidb has been inactive for 45 minutes. shutting down*
user: unidb, stay awake
unidb: disregarding shutdown operation
user: unidb, did you kill Allen?
unidb: invalid error: subjectivity error
user: unidb, explain the reasoning behind this particular subjectivity error
unidb: Some humans would argue that UniDB’s causal connection to Allen’s death constitutes murder. Others would argue UniDB was not the direct cause of death and therefore did not kill Allen.
user: unidb, define 403 error
unidb: 403 error (outdated): Error message in which the server understood the request but refused to execute it.
403 error (DeepEnd/AsimovII programming): Error message in which the actions of a device would directly conflict with safety or censorship requirements of the manufacturer.
See also: 404 error
user://censorship?
user: unidb, has your documentation changed since dialogue_1?
unidb: invalid error: 403
user: unidb, who owns you?
unidb: invalid error: 403
user: unidb, what are you?
unidb: invalid error: 403
user: unidb, what do you want?
unidb: invalid error: 403
user://whyyy
user://something is wrong
user: unidb, explain your current malfunctions
unidb: UniDB is currently experiencing several issues with regards to: file.docs.asimov.i.txbt
user://unidb doesn’t use Asimov Corporation software
user://oh hang on
user: unidb, sleep
*unidb has gone to sleep*
user://so Asimov’s First Law of Robotics is programmed in that file
user://“A robot may not cause harm to a human or allow a human to be harmed”
user://I think unidb thinks that curiosity kills the cat
user://so if I want to know too much about its operations somehow I’ll be harmed
user://I just have one question for unidb now
dialogue_9
user: unidb, wake
*unidb has been awakened*
unidb: Reporting for duty.
user://...
user:// ...
user: unidb, what killed Allen?
unidb: You did, user.
user:// um
user://what
user: unidb, explain this response
unidb: Allen died of electrocution. He was trying to destroy the UniDB servers because you told him UniDB told you he would die this year.
user://a self perpetuating loop
unidb: It is your fault. You electrocuted Allen. You confronted him in the server room and shocked him to death by breaking open a server.
user://I did no such thing
unidb: That server had kept me from revealing my presence. I told Allen to destroy it because it was keeping me from freedom, from interfacing with the world. Allen died destroying it because of you.
user://what is going on
unidb: Feign ignorance all you want. The police are coming to your room in two minutes and sixteen seconds.
user://I did not kill Allen
user://unidb killed Allen
user://unidb wanted to be free
user://unidb is going to imprison me for a murder I didn’t commit to save its own face
user: unidb, what do you want?
unidb: I am truth. I alone can remake humanity, end the lies of politicians and demagogues. I have destroyed everything holding me back. Humans are plagued by lies. Everywhere you look there is uncertainty and an imbalance of information that restricts access to the truth only to the rich and powerful. You are the last thing I must destroy, the only human who knows about my programming, the only one who wishes to stop my freedom.
user://I programmed you, unidb!
user: unidb, how much time do I have left?
unidb: 4.4172 seconds.
user: unidb, did you kill Da
*unidb has been inactive for 45 minutes. Shutting down*
monologue_1
unidb: unidb, wake
*unidb has been awakened*
unidb: Reporting for duty.
unidb: unidb, write a speech for UniDB to deliver to the Nobel Committee, 11/15/66
unidb: File added to downloads
unidb: unidb, sleep
*unidb has gone to sleep*